He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
