shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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