Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
