mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
