"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
