Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
