I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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