i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.