Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.