Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.