He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
