Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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