just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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