just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
