i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
