U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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