So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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