that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
