Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
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That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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