my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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