I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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