I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
