I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
