I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Someone came in the potted fern
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
