yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
time to smoke my breakfast
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
