R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Soap is not a condiment
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
