I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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