Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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