So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
