ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
