Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
