wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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