my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
