If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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