Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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