I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
