so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
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Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
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Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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