paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
home. puking in laundry basket.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
