Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
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LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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