Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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