I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
