He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
