I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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