She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
