Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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