Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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