Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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