Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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