my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
