I faked an abortion last night.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
