trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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