This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
