We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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