I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
