I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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