i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
