i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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